The Ridiculous Head Games We Play With Ourselves
I've heard that this tends to be a problem among creative and sensitive people. I at least have suffered with this all my life. It may have been part and parcel of growing up in a family where nothing we did was ever good enough. From my current vantage point I realize that my parents probably thought that nothing they did was ever good enough either. Nonetheless, it doesn't make it any easier. One day I'll probably go into therapy again and work on it some more.
I feel guilty when I'm doing something I want to rather than something I have to. I'm almost done with nursing school. I'll be done in just one more week. I only worked at my regular job twice this month: once on the first Saturday of the month, and will work once more tonight. My husband has been very understanding and encouraging, but I still feel guilty as hell for not drawing a paycheck--and I feel like I've been beaten with a stick. I've been working even though I haven't been working for pay, and it's been as hard or harder than my usual job.
I want to work on my story a little but I hold myself back. I feel like I should be doing housework, but I really don't want to. I feel like I should be studying for my nursing boards, but I spent an entire day in class yesterday doing that. I know my weak areas and will probably do a little studying before I go to work.
I hate the way I hold myself back. When I never do anything I want I tend to start feeling depressed and resentful, which isn't doing me or my family any favors. I am truly my own worst enemy and a harsher critic than either of my parents ever were--and they were both very tough bosses. My siblings and I don't see them very often, generally only on holidays. Ours was not a very nurturing upbringing. Luckily we've tended to be very supportive of each other.
My sister isn't the sort to show overt emotion, which I know has been hard for her kids in some ways. She tends to express her love through actions rather than words. I'm more demonstrative than she is with my emotions, although I'm not particularly touchy-feely either. I'll hug those close to me but I don't tend to kiss anyone except my husband, even in a non-passionate way.
My brother is the most demonstrative of all of us when it comes to affection. He's very expressive, a somewhat flamboyant openly gay guy. I don't think my kids, especially my son, would have turned out as well as they did without their uncle's love and support. There were times when they were growing up that my emotional state did not allow me to be there for them the way they needed and deserved. But I was always open with them about what was going on, and I think that helped.
I am going to write a little and then I'll open this study program that my parents payed $350 for. I have to give them credit. Maybe in their twilight years they're trying to show their kids support in their own way.
RT @tweetsmarter Priceless Writing Lessons Learned from Scathing 1-Star Reviews on Amazon http://bit.ly/e2AMup
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Will.i.am is a dumb-ass
Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas has expressed the archaic attitude that he and a date would not be compatible if said date has condoms in her house. Because keeping condoms in your house, if you are a woman, makes your house a whore house, and you a whore.
Will.i.am is a damn idiot. Between my first and second marriage, I always kept a couple of condoms in my purse, just in case. Just in case never actually ended up happening because I don't tend to be the kind of person to have impromptu sex with someone I don't know well. But I hate the message that this idiot is sending to young people. Time for Will.i.am to get his head out of the 1800's.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
http://ping.fm/kz1sp If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, encourage them to go to this site.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Middle Aged Weight Obsession
There is an article on the oft annoying but sometimes useful diet blog about the weight obsessions of middle aged women. Here are my thoughts.
I'm not sure why anyone would find this surprising. I came of age in the mid 1970's. Even then there was pressure to be thin, which was not how I was built. The instant I developed hips, I also developed bulimia. I have gone through years of self hate before deciding that if someone doesn't looking at my stocky self, they can look somewhere else. I have too many other things going on to worry about being obsessively vain about my looks.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The Beauty Privilege Has Its Drawbacks
Read here about why the beauty privilege isn't all privilege.
And then there's something that I can't figure out.
And then there's something that I can't figure out.
I'm not beautiful and never have been, but all of my life I've had guys (even guys with attractive girlfriends) hit on me and women get jealous of me and accuse me of being stuck up. I've never understood that because I'm very humble and shy by nature. I think that guys tend to be drawn to me because I'm sisterly and non-threatening. My husband says that there is something "special" about me and people are drawn to that. My brother says I'm "charismatic." At any rate it is confusing because I'm not pretty. I'm heavy and have a plain face. So this reaction she's getting may not be entirely about looks. I don't know. People are strange.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
School Bans Packed Lunches and Snacks http://t.co/sjQ6073 via @dietblog This is freaking outrageous! Talk about a Nanny State.
The Nerves Can Go But the Romance Should Stay
Ladies, according to the guys at GuySpeak, when a fellow acts flustered around you, it's a sign that he's into you. They go on to discuss how this disappears the longer you're together. I had a few thoughts to share.
Almost six years into our marriage (nine years into our relationship) my husband (second) still brings me flowers and says the most lovely things that I feel don't describe me at all. However, what has disappeared is the nervousness. He says these lovely things without blushing or stuttering. Having been married previously (to my grown childrens' father) I think that the relationships that keep the romance are the ones that are most likely to survive. Naturally the insecurity about making oneself vulnerable will disappear--and it should. But the romance never should or the relationship is doomed to becoming at the very least dull and at worst to destruction. The romance was muchly gone from my first marriage after our first child was born (two years in) was gone by the seventh year and third child, and had turned to animosity by the twelfth year. Both parties have to work at keeping it going--and it shouldn't feel like work!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Playing Dress Up Doesn't Turn Boys Gay
The Dumb Blog mentioned a controversy regarding a video where a woman paints her little boy's nails. Because there are no real problems in this world for us to worry about, this is very, very controversial.
When my brother was little he liked playing dress up in our grandma's old clothes with me. He is gay. But when my male cousin was little he liked having my aunt put his sister's barrettes in his hair. He is a big burly macho fireman who is heterosexual. Nail polish and "girly" things don't turn a boy gay. By the way, I love my brother and he is wonderful just the way he is. He's a social worker and he's helped a lot of kids. He helped me with my own kids when I was going through a really rough period in my life. He was the #1 male figure in my son's life. My son happens to be heterosexual. Maybe if people stopped worrying so much about people being gay (they're born that way) and stopped thinking gay was abnormal, nobody would care when little boys wanted to play with dolls or have fun playing dress-up or putting on nail polish.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Really Dumb News
Stop the presses! This is much more important than the war in the Middle East, the earthquake in Japan, or any of that trivia. The Dumb Blog reports that:
1) Rihanna wants to spank Britney Spears
2) Some pervert convinced a bunch of vulnerable women that having sex with him was a good idea because orgasms lead to weight loss. Of course in his case having sex with him probably led to bulima, hence pounds lost from copious vomiting.
3) There is now bacon scented perfume. I'm gonna hurry out and buy me a gallon of this stuff!
Here is my further wisdom on these world-changing issues.
Yep, this thought of Rihanna's is the real deal, just like the Britney Spears/Madonna kiss was not calculated to sell albums/concert tickets. It's soooo hawt. (Rolls eyes.)
I'd say that if having an orgasm burns calories one would be better off masturbating than having sex with this skeevy pervert. Masturbation would be more likely to lead to orgasm and far, far less likely to result in social disease.
Why buy a cologne that smells like bacon? Simply eat bacon, then touch other parts of your body! It's a lot cheaper.
I'd say that if having an orgasm burns calories one would be better off masturbating than having sex with this skeevy pervert. Masturbation would be more likely to lead to orgasm and far, far less likely to result in social disease.
Why buy a cologne that smells like bacon? Simply eat bacon, then touch other parts of your body! It's a lot cheaper.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
RT @twitbreakinnews Hanoi's Reclusive Lake Turtle Forced Out of Its Shell (Time.com) http://bit.ly/gt8WW5