Brain Blocked Like Slow Drain

I have no idea why I'm having so much trouble getting this story out of my head and onto the computer. The idea is interesting but it comes out stilted. The two protagonists are sisters. I don't have a terrible relationship with my sister but I don't have a great one either. I have a much better relationship with my brother, but the story wouldn't really work if they were brother and sister.

My brother knows about my writing persona. My sister knows that I write but she doesn't know about my pen name or that I've decided to try and get some of my writing published. She tends to be super practical and think that such things are a waste of time. My brother and I have always been very supportive of each other. We were the "impractical" ones in the family.

Even though I grew up in a solid two parent family, I've always had abandonment issues. Sometimes when Nils has to work and I don't I feel very unsettled. I try not to be clingy but I really miss him when he's gone. I have borderline personality disorder and while I've learned not to manifest the more negative symptoms most of the time, sometimes I know I come off as very needy. He's very patient and never berates me or even raises his voice. I don't know what I did to deserve him. He always says he picked me because I'm me. Which I've never thought is anything so great.

I showed him the picture in the post from yesterday and said that it's ironic that I thought of myself as fat and ugly but thought that the model in the picture from yesterday's post, who has a similar body type to mine, was beautiful. He said "maybe now you understand a little how I feel when looking at you." He said it so tenderly that it brought tears to my eyes. That's how he always is. Even when I know he's tired he's always very careful and deliberate in how he treats people. Even his exasperating slacker brother, of whom he's said time and again "so much potential, so little initiative." SO TRUE!

It is ironic that it took this to make me understand that my husband could actually look at me and see beautiful. And a little bit sad. This society makes it so someone who looks like me has no idea how someone else could love them even when that person tells them time and again.

My husband puts up with the fact that I get jealous and afraid that he's going to find someone better and leave me. I hold it in better than I used to when I was younger, but he knows. He never berates me the way some of my past partners have. He always upholds me and soothes my mind. When he's home late it's never because he was at a bar drinking, it's because he stopped by the store to pick up something special, whether it be a little bouquet of flowers or the fixings for a simple meal that we can have together, or a movie and popcorn.

Sometimes I feel like we are Beauty and the Beast--only he's the beautiful one.

I'm trying to see myself in a better light. The picture below looks a bit like an idealized version of me. I like to look for pictures like this that show large women as fun and attractive rather than piggish and slovenly. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful!

Working Hard!

I'm excited to have found a potential publisher once I actually have a book together. I've decided to make my tale a modern Gothic mystery in the vein of V.C. Andrews, but more explicit. I just love those cheesy old V.C. Andrews tales! It's a difficult thing because such stories often include an element of perversion, including incest. I do understand why most publishers don't want to touch explicit incest, especially if it is between parent and child. I do not believe that incest between parent and child can ever be truly consensual, even if both are adults. There is always an element of power over in such a relationship. I truly cannot understand how a parent could engage in such a relationship with their child. I am astounded by what Mackenzie Phillips revealed regarding her father. I love those old Mamas and Papas songs, but they are somewhat tainted for me now, knowing what John Phillips coerced his vulnerable daughter into.

In my story, the sisters, Flora and Fawna (yes, cheesy!) have a long-standing consensual sexual relationship. Freud might have a field day with me for my being inspired to write such a thing, but I might just baffle him as much as I baffle myself. I do have a sister. I would not want to have sex with her any more than I would want to have sex with my brother. I truly think this choice of subject matter is a way of dealing with having been molested by female peers during my childhood. I do not feel sexual desire for my sister or any of my female cousins. I do not look at other women in the locker room or such and feel sexual desire. But I can get aroused watching lesbian porn.

I believe that for all women the idea of a sister is someone that we can trust implicitly and if we have been harmed sexually, the sister, be she real or a part of our own psyche, may be the one person we think we could trust in that fashion. I have not had many people in my life that I felt I could trust, so this may be my inspiration.

Fortunately my man has not branded me a pervert and is supportive of my creation of this novel. I hope it will be a fun and interesting story and although it will contain explicit sex, that will not be its sole reason for existing. I hope to add plenty of mystery, intrigue, and a supernatural twist as well.

Love,

Aurora

xxx