I made a Typepad blog http://ping.fm/KxOxw Mostly made it to comment at Views from a Broad http://ping.fm/BzqJu

Brain Blocked Like Slow Drain

I have no idea why I'm having so much trouble getting this story out of my head and onto the computer. The idea is interesting but it comes out stilted. The two protagonists are sisters. I don't have a terrible relationship with my sister but I don't have a great one either. I have a much better relationship with my brother, but the story wouldn't really work if they were brother and sister.

My brother knows about my writing persona. My sister knows that I write but she doesn't know about my pen name or that I've decided to try and get some of my writing published. She tends to be super practical and think that such things are a waste of time. My brother and I have always been very supportive of each other. We were the "impractical" ones in the family.

Even though I grew up in a solid two parent family, I've always had abandonment issues. Sometimes when Nils has to work and I don't I feel very unsettled. I try not to be clingy but I really miss him when he's gone. I have borderline personality disorder and while I've learned not to manifest the more negative symptoms most of the time, sometimes I know I come off as very needy. He's very patient and never berates me or even raises his voice. I don't know what I did to deserve him. He always says he picked me because I'm me. Which I've never thought is anything so great.

I showed him the picture in the post from yesterday and said that it's ironic that I thought of myself as fat and ugly but thought that the model in the picture from yesterday's post, who has a similar body type to mine, was beautiful. He said "maybe now you understand a little how I feel when looking at you." He said it so tenderly that it brought tears to my eyes. That's how he always is. Even when I know he's tired he's always very careful and deliberate in how he treats people. Even his exasperating slacker brother, of whom he's said time and again "so much potential, so little initiative." SO TRUE!

It is ironic that it took this to make me understand that my husband could actually look at me and see beautiful. And a little bit sad. This society makes it so someone who looks like me has no idea how someone else could love them even when that person tells them time and again.

My husband puts up with the fact that I get jealous and afraid that he's going to find someone better and leave me. I hold it in better than I used to when I was younger, but he knows. He never berates me the way some of my past partners have. He always upholds me and soothes my mind. When he's home late it's never because he was at a bar drinking, it's because he stopped by the store to pick up something special, whether it be a little bouquet of flowers or the fixings for a simple meal that we can have together, or a movie and popcorn.

Sometimes I feel like we are Beauty and the Beast--only he's the beautiful one.

I'm trying to see myself in a better light. The picture below looks a bit like an idealized version of me. I like to look for pictures like this that show large women as fun and attractive rather than piggish and slovenly. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful!

Why would anybody want to "subscribe" to my Facebook page? That sounds really stalker-y. I'm not famous enough to admire from afar!

Up yours, McClown. Seriously. I chance indigestion eating your questionable fare to get a couple Monopoly pieces and I get nary a one! Booo!

http://ping.fm/Arxam Never been much for the whole "sexy" costume thing. I prefer funny or scary.

I Don't Need a Celebrity to Tell Me How To Feel About My Body

This isn't me, but it is a similar body type. I am five foot seven-ish. I weigh 295 pounds. I do not have any pressing health issues. According to our sizeist society, I should hardly be able to move and should have one foot in the grave thanks to my Death Fat. 

In an IVillage article, various "celebrities" spoke about body flaws. A commenter named Lisa said that if she was pulling $80 million a year, she wouldn't care about cellulite either in response to Kim Kardashian's earth-shattering confession that she has the dreaded (gasp!) cellulite.

What Lisa said. I don't need Kim KarTRASHian or any other celebutante's opinion to tell me how to feel about my body. I spent a lot of years hating my body. I learned to be at peace with it because other people's opinions don't matter. As long as I'm healthy, that's all that matters. Being hateful to one another over what our bodies look like is ugly, and it needs to stop.

BTW, I am certainly not down on Kim for the shape of her body. What I dislike about her is the fact that she is someone who has absolutely everything and gives back nothing. $30,000 alligator skin purse, anyone? In an economy where people are struggling just to keep their homes and unemployment is at an all time high. Ugh!

Why is it that when I look at my body, which is similar to this one in a mirror, my automatic reaction is to think "ugh, I'm so fat and ugly" but when I see the woman in the picture, I think she's beautiful. How dare society tell us to hate our bodies? How dare people say snarky things about fat people?

I have a back injury which makes movement harder some days than others, but it had nothing to do with my size and a hell of a lot to do with the type of work I do. I work in a hospital. I help weak and injured patients move. Sometimes its harder than others. And I've gotten hurt a few times. Last winter I exacerbated things by falling down the back porch steps. This had nothing to do with my size and a whole lot to with low visibility and ice. I was on temporary disability for 6 weeks.

I became very depressed because I couldn't work and felt useless. If the stereotypes were true, I should have been thrilled to stay home and eat buckets of fried chicken and boxes of bonbons. Instead, I could hardly eat because I was so depressed.

I'm 47 years old, I'm fat, and I've been married for 9 years to a man who eats about the same amount that I do and remains rail-thin. He is not a "fat fetishist," he dated women of various sizes before ending up with me. I consider myself extremely lucky to have him! Not because he's thin, but because he's an amazing, loving, considerate, kind, funny, intelligent human being.
The sad thing is, if I hadn't been able to find a man, (and I certainly kissed a few toads before I did) I'm sure I would have blamed my body, as we are conditioned to do. How wrong is this? How sad and how awful to go through life hating ourselves.
This is why size acceptance is necessary!

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