Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Brain Blocked Like Slow Drain

I have no idea why I'm having so much trouble getting this story out of my head and onto the computer. The idea is interesting but it comes out stilted. The two protagonists are sisters. I don't have a terrible relationship with my sister but I don't have a great one either. I have a much better relationship with my brother, but the story wouldn't really work if they were brother and sister.
My brother knows about my writing persona. My sister knows that I write but she doesn't know about my pen name or that I've decided to try and get some of my writing published. She tends to be super practical and think that such things are a waste of time. My brother and I have always been very supportive of each other. We were the "impractical" ones in the family.
Even though I grew up in a solid two parent family, I've always had abandonment issues. Sometimes when Nils has to work and I don't I feel very unsettled. I try not to be clingy but I really miss him when he's gone. I have borderline personality disorder and while I've learned not to manifest the more negative symptoms most of the time, sometimes I know I come off as very needy. He's very patient and never berates me or even raises his voice. I don't know what I did to deserve him. He always says he picked me because I'm me. Which I've never thought is anything so great.
I showed him the picture in the post from yesterday and said that it's ironic that I thought of myself as fat and ugly but thought that the model in the picture from yesterday's post, who has a similar body type to mine, was beautiful. He said "maybe now you understand a little how I feel when looking at you." He said it so tenderly that it brought tears to my eyes. That's how he always is. Even when I know he's tired he's always very careful and deliberate in how he treats people. Even his exasperating slacker brother, of whom he's said time and again "so much potential, so little initiative." SO TRUE!
It is ironic that it took this to make me understand that my husband could actually look at me and see beautiful. And a little bit sad. This society makes it so someone who looks like me has no idea how someone else could love them even when that person tells them time and again.
My husband puts up with the fact that I get jealous and afraid that he's going to find someone better and leave me. I hold it in better than I used to when I was younger, but he knows. He never berates me the way some of my past partners have. He always upholds me and soothes my mind. When he's home late it's never because he was at a bar drinking, it's because he stopped by the store to pick up something special, whether it be a little bouquet of flowers or the fixings for a simple meal that we can have together, or a movie and popcorn.
Sometimes I feel like we are Beauty and the Beast--only he's the beautiful one.
I'm trying to see myself in a better light. The picture below looks a bit like an idealized version of me. I like to look for pictures like this that show large women as fun and attractive rather than piggish and slovenly. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful!