Sunday, May 30, 2010

The End?

I'm actually approaching the end of my first manuscript, and now I'm getting really nervous. I'm going to have to find an editor. My cousin is going to help me with the initial proof reading but says that I'll have to find a REAL editor in order for it to be really professionally done. This makes me nervous, especially with my subject matter. My cousin knows who I really am. But my subject matter might make me seem, for lack of a better word, perverted, to anyone who doesn't. I don't want to be perceived that way. 
I think of my manuscript as part allegory for what anyone who has ever struggled with understanding their own sexuality goes through, particularly what gay people go through in this society, but also anyone who was ever molested and who has had pervasive, unwanted thoughts or dreams. Nothing such as wanting to molest children, although I encourage anyone who has unwanted thoughts about desiring sexual contact with children to please GET HELP, of course. If you get help, you are doing the right thing and are a far better person than someone who acts on those impulses.
My shame has come from having dreams or fantasies or being turned on by watching porn (same sex, either all male or all female) in which someone is being humiliated. Not rape, but S&M. I don't want to do this in real life. I've come to understand that these thoughts are because of things that happened to me in childhood but I've never really dealt with these issues properly. I always find myself too busy to get therapy. I count myself fortunate that I have never experienced being sexually drawn to children. I have heard people try to postulate that this is a "sexual orientation" like being homosexual, which pisses me off. Most people who are homosexual are attracted to people in a similar age group to themselves who happen to be the same sex. Duh!
At any rate, I now need to find an editor who is amenable to dealing with erotica. This is a lot more difficult than simply writing down what has come to mind!