Saturday, May 8, 2010

Sex and Spam and Spilling my Guts

First of all--wow! I had forgotten about this video. Bummer that N will be exhausted when he gets home from his shift. :-(
Second, WTF is up with these Spam comments? I even have word verification turned on and I'm still getting them. An attempt to get some business for some Chinese webcam models, it looks like. Sorry, can't help you. I don't publish Spam comments. I changed my settings so only Google members can comment. Don't know if that will help the matter or not. Half the comments are in Chinese so I have no idea what they're saying anyway.
I'm sitting with my little grand-niece tonight. Both my niece and my sister are working. Grand-niece is three years old. Niece is 21 and living with her mom. Baby's father is nowhere in the picture, sadly. My niece's father and my sis got divorced a year before she got pregnant. Her father was one of those people who was physically present but emotionally unavailable. Which is pretty much what sis and I grew up with as well. I always thought how we could have had it a lot worse--we didn't get smacked around or molested--at least after we moved away from Uncle Creepy. What I mean is my parents didn't molest us. But we didn't get a whole lot of acknowledgment of our existence either. Emotionally my family was pretty cold. 
My first husband was a nice enough guy in most ways but didn't really know how to be emotionally available either. He's an adult child of an alcoholic and never worked through his shit. I've been through a lot of counseling about my intimacy issues and N and I went to counseling together when it became clear that things were serious between us because he comes from an emotionally distant bunch too. Across the ocean distant at this point, only call each other on holidays. It was pretty easy for me to see why he and his brother left Norway. His parents are glacial. Very proper, very staid, and very cold. I don't think I ever saw them smile once when we visited. It's amazing that he and his brother were able to be emotionally expressive at all. 
J's a good guy but kind of a Peter Pan. He's got a steady job but he's 48 years old and still all about partying hardy. Was married 5 times and live-in girlfriend #7 just dumped him. He's charming as anything, but once any woman starts wanting some real substance from him, he just doesn't have anything to give. Out of all his marriages he's got one kid of his own and two step-kids who still see him. The rest were pretty short-lived and no kids came out of them. 
He's the quintessential Disneyland Dad too. Kind of like my ex. The kids were always so excited to see him when they were younger. Of course they still love him but at this point they're kind of disgusted with how much of a flake he can be. He's always job hopping and never saved a cent towards their education. In the end they always end up coming back to the boring, reliable parent. I'm not saying I'm anything to look up to--46 years old and a patient care/ER tech might not be much to brag about. But I've been at my job for eight years and I've helped my kids with their college applications. I've always been here for the serious stuff. "Al" always brought them presents and took them on trips before the economy went to shit and he spent all his savings.
At this point I consider myself pretty lucky and am reasonably happy in most ways except central scheduling seems to be conspiring to ensure that N and I never have any time together! And my nursing training is dragging on and on and it's kind of starting to make me feel discouraged. I was so excited about doing it at first and so thrilled that N was completely supportive. I think it wouldn't have been so bad if I could have done it all at once and gone full time but I can't. We still have a mortgage to make. So it's taking forever. Sometimes I wonder if remaining a tech would have really been so bad. But I've wanted to get my license for a long time. Sometimes I get so mad at myself. Seems like I'm never satisfied.